Advice:

I should wander over to metafilter because I LOVE reading people's responses to questions on there.  They have like every topic!  I found one recently via notMartha that is clever relationship hacks.  Loved reading these.
Anyway, we are constantly in a state of mulling over buying a house - ever since last year when my family was 100% discouraging over the topic and we decided to just move into this lower rent apartment to buy us some time and save us some money.  I just want to hear all your ideas and thoughts and opinions on the topic.  I'm terrified of the debt and the commitment.  We need more room and a yard and a happy home for a dog.  :) 

Best coffee:  The Roasterie's Nitro.  YUM.  So dark and delicious.

"That's why Elmo chases the cheese."

Posting 2 days in a row?!

I got up this morning and got started on some passive productiveness.  I started a load of laundry with my wonderful, brilliant-smelling, only-need-a-lil'-bit, BioKleen detergent.  It smells so good with grapefruit seed and orange peel extracts.  Delightful!  I used their limey bac-out when the cat peed on some of Beebs' stuffed animals.  He has since peed on her owly pillow Roommate's mom made for her.  Argh!  Anyway, just sayin', got that passive cleaning thing going with the machines. 

Roommate headed off to work and I settled down with coffee and a book.  I've been reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter.  I like it but I'm ready to finish it.  Next I want to read this Jon Krakauer book my BIL was telling me he read. 

Totally overwhelmed by Christmas shopping.  Low on funds and wanting to be super-creative/thoughtful but just...sort of at a loss.  I was looking at some Etsy shops that make really adorable kids' clothes and shoes and such but one shirt will be like $105.00.  Um..I'd love to support you but holy cow, man! 

When it is cold outside it is so hard for me to be motivated.  All I want to do is be nestled inside warm.  I want cuddly blankets and a cuddly baby and books and soup and naps.  I've been over-indulging in such gluttonous things as I have all these glorious days off work.  I worked my normal amount of shifts but then I got canceled on Sunday due to low census and thus will have 7 days off in a row.  I am SO grateful.  Happy birthday to me!  One more day off and then back to work.  I'll try not to be filled with The Dread.  It's inevitable though.  The day before, evening before I go to work is usually a somewhat depressing time.  It's ridiculous to be that way and also, a really big waste of time and energy.  I will try REALLY hard not to be that way.  I just need to be productive and enjoy this time off and get rested and then I'll work. 

So many people around me with December birthdays!!  It's fun!  Oh!  Oh my gosh.  Yesterday, I had uploaded like 8 million photos that I'd like to print for myself and family members for Christmas.  I created a flickr account unassociated with anything else I do - just for pictures and apparently I picked a name I'd never, ever, ever remember - a name I'd never used for anything else and that's idiotic because I tried over and over and over and all different methods of retrieving the username and could NOT log in and I was so irritated because it's a pro account I PAID for and just when I was ready to give up, I tried this TOTALLY random name and...voila!  What was I thinking?!  Anyway.  glugh.  Need to order those.  Would people be disappointed if they only got photos of my kid for Christmas?  ha. 

Did I tell you I applied for another new job?  I haven't heard from them.  I don't know if I should call?  Talk to HR?  Or..I don't know?  The job is at a different hospital in a TOTALLY different area.  It's a night position - which scares me because I don't want a night position really but..temporarily.  I already typed about this on here..didn't I? 

It's sleeting now.  I'd prefer a heap of snow..not ice, thanks.
So anyway.  We'll be here today.  We'll eat some leftover soup and read our library books we got yesterday..and we'll finish this episode of Sesame Street and maybe I'll do some online shopping.  I hate going shopping!! 

Any great gift ideas?  Why does everything seem so expensive? 

30 is the new New.

I had a really great birthday.  When my roommate was manning the oven Saturday night baking the frozen pizzas I picked up as my contribution to the potluck, I felt so loved and full of love for him.  It just felt so kind and thoughtful that while people were arriving and talking and hanging out he was doing that for us. 

Something feels shifted in me.  I told Roommate that 30 is like a Happy New Year of life.  Sometimes we need a concrete refresh.  Turning 30 pressed my life's F5.  Last night we were just generally cozy and loving on one another here at home and Beebs was just..delightful.  We had music on and she'd twirl in circles and get low and tilt her head side to side and she'd hold our hands and jump jump jump.  At this particular moment she was running between Roommate and I - as fast as she could - arms out wide, running into him, crashing into him, burying her face in his legs and giggling before spinning around to come headlong at me - lather, rinse, repeat.  Tears welled up as she ran back and forth.  I felt so overcome with love for her and for him. 

We are not going to muddle along drowning in my daily complaints and mood swings.  I am going to move forward with career goals and life goals.  K emailed me, a toast to the new decade, an encouragement to go after my goals.  I'm going.

I visited my psychiatrist on Friday morning.  I had to cancel my last appointment due to work and I hadn't rescheduled yet and I fell into that place I fall when I'm feeling sort of guilty and full of dread.  I intentionally called their office the day they were closed and after hours.  My doctor called me back that evening and said she'd gotten my message and when could she see me.  I returned her call a week later and left another message, again, intentionally - avoiding.  Her husband (her office manager) left me a message and then called the next morning to follow-up with me.  He's so kind.  They are so kind.  I made the appointment, dreaded it a couple days and then Friday morning came.  All I could think about were the 800 things I needed to do before friends came over Saturday.  I felt pressed for time.  I didn't feel like talking. 

Fifty minutes later my heart felt open and I felt renewed.  My doctor is wonderful.  At the end of our appointment she told me to gather my flowers.  I keep repeating that to myself. 

then & now

Hello, Good Morning!

Roommate wrote me a little note and put it next to the coffee pot.  It says "Happy Birthday Eve Eve."  He's nice.  There was also a fresh pot of coffee in that pot...granted he made that for himself before work but STILL, I woke up to coffee and a note!  Actually, I woke up to Beebs saying "Hiiieee!  Hieeee!!"  She then started requesting "Street!  Street!"  I know, whatever!  She likes to start her day with a little Sesame Street.  Who doesn't?!  Don't answer that.

If you haven't had me shove it down your throat already -- Here is my Wish List!  Hey, you can get me something for my 30th birthday!!  Or you can just look to see what impeccable taste I have.  Either way - WIN!  My inner stalker loves to see other people's wish lists.

I just worked 3 shifts in a row and it was tough, man.  Ha.  I'm a wimp.  Twelve hour days.  Woo!  So annoyed by the nonsensical decisions people in charge make.  I never know if it's just a matter of stupidity or flexing their in-charge muscles or what but they do things that make NO sense. 

I applied for a job in labor & delivery last week.  Heh.  We'll see what happens.  The idea makes me really excited BUT the position is nights and I can't do that long-term but people are generally waiting to get on day shift so maybe I could do it temporarily?  I just feel like I'd be "gone" twice as much then - gone to work and then "gone" trying to sleep during the day. 

I'm really excited about 30, guys!  Two more days.  Saturday is the DAY! 
Very happy 30th birthday to Liz at the who cares girl today!!
I'm having friends over Saturday night for a potluck.  I know this sounds like I'm turning 80 instead of 30 but it just sounded so cozy and relaxed.  It's going to be cold and we're all gonna need some money for the holidays so let's just be warm & merry. 

OH, also I started my period at work yesterday.  This was a problem because I carry my wallet and keys and that's it when I'm not with daughter so I had no protection to speak of.  This left me putting a queen size peri [mattress] pad in my underwear - the kind they give you after you've given birth - the kind that covers you navel to tail.  Happy birthday to me!  My last period started the day before we left on our longass roadtrip to Texas.  I must get relaxed and then my body's like ahh yeah, here we go.  You know, when the innards are in there discussing function and timing and such.  Like, oh I dunno, should we give her gas right NOW?  But she's all bent over trying to change this bloody bandage and her pants are already falling off a bit..the gas?  now?  OK!  Let's do it!

I think we really might go ahead and buy a new bed.  We both head to bed with a major feeling of dread.  It's so awful!  I know it's expensive but sleep is important!! 

Doesn't soup sound good?  Or curry and rice.  Mmm!! 

headband.

Stalker.

I'm going to tell you about this embarrassing habit I have.
It's stalking.
I am a stalker.
Sometimes when I'm reading your blogs or your whatever that you write on, I take things you say to heart.  It might be a book you read that you declare beautiful or inspiring or hysterical and I feel like I must have it in my possession immediately.  It might be something you baked, a place you went, the softest pajama pants you've ever owned, a song that moved you.  If there's something about you I like or admire, I become interested in things/people/music/food that interests you.  I could just say you inspire me but basically, I'm just a stalker.  When we went on vacation in Portland & San Francisco I had lists of places some of my favorite bloggers had been and I was so excited to go there myself. 

Have been feeling a bit fragile at work lately but inside that feels like weakness and that feels like a flaw and on the outside this feels like hot needles of rage.  I think my heart is generally pretty soft (sometimes downright mushy - like out of season tomatoes) but sometimes at work, my patients make me want to pinch their faces off.  I have sympathy and empathy for illness and pain and homesickness but sometimes when you're a patient in the hospital you act like an unexcusable asshole.  If you only knew how much I'm trying to be great.

Hi. Thanks.

I just washed my Wellbutrin and prenatal vitamin down with a Monster Hitman.  Um..gross?

My sister-in-law went from totally shitty to on-the-mend quickly.  When we saw her Friday she looked awful.  She was very mumbly, quiet and feeling miserable.  She had her 2nd angiogram that day and it showed that much of the blood in her brain (around the pons and Circle of Willis) had been reabsorbed.  Saturday morning when we got to the hospital she had just showered, her cheeks were all pink and they were planning to move her out of the ICU that day.  Today, Sunday, they are sending her home!  It seems a bit rushed because I hope her pain is under control and she was nervous and coming home.  Her flakey nurse said yesterday that she was improving, "knock on wood!"  She was a snot and I couldn't help but judge everything from a nursey standpoint when I was visiting.  "Ugh, used syringes laying around!  Two meal trays left piled in the room with smelly food.  Stuff all over the floor!" and on and on.  

Last night my mom came over and Roommate & I went out for dinner and then to the store to gorge ourselves on new music.  I got some Fleet Foxes and he got a bunch of other stuff. 

I went to the grocery store today and spent $160.  We hadn't done real grocery shopping since before we went to Texas at the beginning of October.  Since then we've mostly just picked up a couple things for Beebs here and there and have ended up snagging food out on several occasions.  This is obviously both expensive and less healthy.  I told K I've been eating like a pregnant cow lately.  Every meal feels like my last.  But!  What if we don't go out again for a long time!  Better make the most of it!  Fatty fat fat.  blech!!

Zero energy lately. 
Looking forward to Mondo Beyondo in January.
Dreaming of a Beach vacation in the spring?
Loving looking at other people's flickr photos.
Oh also, I left a comment on the previous post but thanks for the donations for my Roommate's sister.  There were 2 donations, a total of $30.  I'm sending her a check.  They'll need every little bit.  I can't imagine how much her hospital bills will be.  One night in the ICU is incredibly expensive. 

There is so much I want to look at online.  I have to get hooked up with a reader because I just can't keep up with everything.

Being at other people's houses lately has made me really, really want to own a home but gah, so terrifying!  We got new neighbors a week ago (a couple that is from Mexico that has been missionaries there for the past 28 yrs).  They had their porch door open yesterday and they looked way more settled in than we do.  Pictures all over the walls, lamps and such. 

I don't know if it's because I'm turning 30 in less than a month or what but..and..I'm having trouble even putting this into words but I still just feel so in limbo.  I can't even describe what I'm feeling but it's overwhelming and has me thinking I need to make lists or something to try to understand what's in my head.  Do you know what I mean?  It's all encompassing like, ok we need new sheets and I'd like to purchase a new/much larger bed and when might we consider moving into a larger apartment/home?  We've been here less than a year.  Are we going to have more children?  Should I consider going to grad school?  Where should I get a new job?  We're not saving enough for retirement.  and on and on it goes.  I guess that's just life?  a constant stream of plans and nows and questions.  After reading the superhero journal (I love Andrea) I realize that I often forget to enjoy the NOW.  Being home with Beebs always reminds me of that.  House is a mess?  Oh well!  At this moment it is important and wonderful that I'm on the floor playing with my daughter.

My sister-in-law (Roommate's sister) is in the neuro intensive care.  They're going to keep her in the ICU a week and a half at the minimum.  Two days ago she started having crazy neck pain which spread into her whole head and then she started vomiting.  She's got multiple hemorrhages in her brain.  She's 36, married with a 7 year old son.  She just had her White Coat Ceremony as she is in Vet Med school at MU.  She has just started her clinical residency.  She does not have health insurance.  I've added a donate button to the right.  I had no idea how to do such a thing so I hope I did it right.  The hospital she's in is a state hospital so she said they'll allow her to make payments.  She's made arrangements with school and said they won't kick her out for this.  I'm sad that while she's there waiting for her MRI tomorrow to rule out cancer/etc. that she's thinking ok um how in the hell am I going to pay for this and uh..hope I don't get kicked out of school.  ENOUGH on her brain right now..literally.  So if you're interested, she could use anything.  Will keep you posted on her status.  Thanks for reading.  Hope you had a fun Halloween!